Showing posts with label emotional roller coaster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional roller coaster. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

some thoughts on being a "soon to be screeching into the station" RAFer

*RAF.....rapidly approaching fifty*
(and yes, if you write the word for that number and not the actual number itself, 
it does seem a bit easier to take/handle/not throw up.
 the pink color and italics seem to help, too)

i have a birthday coming up.
i'm not really sure how i feel about it.
some days, i'm like "oh, yeah...whatever...it's all just a number..look at all my beautiful friends who have celebrated this birthday, and survived. they make it look so easy and wonderful....
meh!  it doesn't matter, really, for i know how old i really feel in my heart" 
(which is about 28, by the way)
yeah.....this is what it feels like.

and then...
there are days
when i'm like
"what?  are you freakin' kidding me??? i'm not that old!
 no. way. no. how."
yeah....it feels just like this.
and while i will be the first in line for most roller coasters....this feeling?
not good.
i know....silly, right?
~~sigh~~

i read other blog posts of people having this milestone birthday and they are all handling it quite well.
amazingly so.
one friend (who i adore immensely) has declared this her "jubilee year".
others are making lists of "things i wanna do, now that i'm fifty".
(just for the record, i have so many lists of "things i need to do today/this week/this year", that i don't really see this concept working so much for me. but, really, you go ahead.)

i downloaded a book or two, thinking that, as others before me have professed, i would find some kind of inspiration or maybe even a way to accept this passing of time.

that first one (which i actually read in university for a psychology class, but as with much from that time, i have completely forgotten) is a classic and the first on most every one's list of "good stuff to read"....and that second one?  seriously, if a book claims 'discovering the fountain of youth at midlife and beyond' as part of its title, it has to be good, right?

i wouldn't know.

about either one.
it seems that just purchasing these two works of literary genius and having them in my kindle actually made me feel better.
obviously....this is the way i roll into middle age.

and just for the record,
while i was in the states, i also bought a pair of these:
having it pointed out more than a couple times, thank you very much lila! by a good friend, that these really do help (whatever!), i folded and bought a pair.
but, i figured that if i was going to actually purchase a pair of "cheaters",
there would have to be some bling on them....
and none of that brown or black color...
yes, my friends, purple with "diamond" bling were for me.

and no.
i haven't actually used them yet, but
they are in my purse and i strangely feel better just having them there.

*********

fyi....i'm already thinking of a post for tomorrow...
"how i'm holding others responsible for both good and bad feelings about this birthday"
(^-^)  happy tuesday, everyone.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

"taken to the mat" by the thought of ice cream.....

....and not just any ice cream....homemade ice cream.

tonight after dinner, the k-man reminded me about a place here in nagasaki that i have yet to visit.  it's a restaurant that has milk shakes as one of its specialties.
and no, these are not milk shakes in the traditional sense of the american milk shake that you can get at your favorite hamburger joint or drive-in.
no. the nagasaki milk shake (i think there is even a song about it!!) is made by hand, using a whisk and a bowl that is sitting in ice (from what i can gather by the descriptions i have been given).  the ingredients...eggs, milk, cream, vanilla.... are carefully whisked in the bowl for each customer.
yes. each customer.  these milk shakes are made, one at a time.....after they are ordered....not dipped from a huge container that has been sitting in the freezer for Lord only knows how long.
no.....this is truly freshness at its very best.

as the k-man was telling me about this and how he thought we needed to go and have one....i was suddenly hit by a memory that literally, took my breath away.

the last few weeks have been strange...emotionally strange.
not sure if it's because i didn't go to the states this year for the second year in a row...or if it's because i've been a bit melancholy (for want of a better word) with this whole "i've been here for 20 years" thing that i've been doing a lot of thinking about....whatever the reason, i've been on a bit of an emotion roller coaster. 
 it's not anything to worry about, just something i have to work through.

anyway....there we were, sitting at the kitchen table, the k-man telling me about this place, the boys laughing about something they were watching on tv while they were eating their shaved ices...and it hit me.
a memory.
the sound of blocks of ice hitting a sidewalk.
(actually, the guy next door was crushing cans or something, but still.....)
yeah.
ice.
on the sidewalk.

when i was little, i spent a lot of time with my granny and grandpa.
i loved being at their house....i probably spent more time there than i did at my actual home.

granny had an extra freezer in the room off the kitchen....in the weeks getting closer to summer, she would slowly fill the freezer with milk cartons that had been rinsed out and filled with water.
i don't think she ever threw away an empty milk carton....they would all be saved for making ice.

the ice....was for making ice cream.
though this was almost 45 years ago, the freezer they had was not one you had to turn by hand...
(when i grew older i always thought one of those would have been so much fun!!)...
no, we had a fancy-schmancy electric one.

as granny would get the ingredients ready to make the "soup"

...grandpa would be on the back porch, dropping those milk cartons full of ice...breaking the blocks into little pieces to fit around the bucket in the ice cream maker.

see the counter in my granny's kitchen?

(yeah, that's me...and my mom)
i can remember sitting up there while she put all the ingredients into her big, yellow (with the black flowers or lines or something) glass mixing bowl.  i can also remember being a bit jumpy, listening to the sounds of grandpa dropping those blocks of ice (he was a very tall man with a very strong arm!).  but granny would just pat my arm and say, "he's almost done."

she would carefully pour it all into the canister and put in the paddle.
she would carry it out to grandpa (when we got older, that was a grandkid's job) and the ice cream making was now in his hands.
he would fill crushed ice in around the canister, that had been placed a wooden bucket.
he would then put rock salt around on the ice "to make it melt so the ice cream freezes".

(for a long time, i had a hard time understanding that concept, but soon...didn't really worry about it too much!!)

and then....after making sure the motor was on  correctly, one of us kids would plug her in and....
the waiting would begin.

when the ice began to melt, there was a little hole that cold water used to come out of on the wooden bucket...i remember sticking my finger in that hole and even though grandpa would say "don't put that nasty water in your mouth...it tastes terrible", i would, indeed, put my finger in my mouth to taste the water...and yes, it was terrible...but i had to do it. i really did.

after a very, very long time...almost forever!! while, the motor would falter a bit....and then.....stop.
the ice cream was done.
oh....such a joyous sound, that silent ice cream maker had!!!
grandpa would bring the canister into the house...and then the game of "who gets to eat the paddle" would begin.  oh, how i loved it when i was the only one there when they made ice cream...that meant i could eat what was on the paddle and i didn't have to fight anyone for it!!!

granny would pull out the paddle and put it on a plate that we never big enough to hold the paddle so you had to eat fast, because if you didn't, ice cream would melt all over the counter.

i love that ice cream.
sometimes, there is just nothing better than a bowl of homemade vanilla ice cream
to make all bad things go away.

there were a few occasions that we had fresh peaches, either from granny's tree or from the produce stand that was south of town.

later....someone got the brainy idea to
put in a couple smashed up candy bars that we all enjoyed eating. 

oh yeah.
totally yummilicious!!!

i know that i can get an ice cream maker (of sorts) here.....i have granny's recipe and i can get all the ingredients needed (except that particular candy bar..i may have to ad lib on that one!!).
it just won't all be the same....for me.  but....i have decided that i will look into buying an ice cream maker.  maybe the memories we make for the boys won't be the same as my memories, but...that's okay.  it's the making of the memories that is important.

****************

i wish for you all, today, a memory....one that makes you smile,
maybe even shed a tear or two.
and then. may you make a new memory or two with someone
who is with you today.

happy sunday, everyone.

**all photos were borrowed, lovingly, from Google Images**