Sunday, June 01, 2008

Parenting conundrum...#12 of MANY

This morning, as the boys were rushing to get their things done in their room so they could go out and enjoy the day, a tussle erupted.....something about Koji writing on Issei's drawing....Issei stepping on Koji's paper...a small desk not big enough for both boys...yet, an empty school desk sitting quietly in the corner, waiting for someone to use it....a Bionicle that got broke...GameBoy cartridge that got thrown under the bed (amongst a whole new breed of 'fuzz bunnies')...and a lot of other stuff that, to be honest....I just didn't understand.

What I did understand was Issei's comment, uttered in total anger, that life would be so much better without Koji.
As a mom....those words chilled my heart to the core.
I know these thoughts are short lived and soon they will both be on the sofa, laughing at something they are watching on TV.

As an older sister, with two younger brothers (one, the exact same years younger than me as Koji is to Issei), I can admit to thinking, "Oh....I understand, sweetie, I understand."

Yes, I understand the anger. I remember the dolls that were written on (Mrs. Beasley would never recover!) and hair that was cut on those dolls.....a David Cassidy poster (~sigh~) that was "decorated" with lovely colors and designs. I remember the fights (them vs me) and how I never felt I could win against the two of them. How, when I got my driver's license and VW, that I was then responsible for getting them to the sports and games and wherever it was they needed to be, even though I had other places that I also needed to be. do I make Issei understand that one day, Koji will be his best friend. That the thought of him not being there will scare him so badly, it might make him cry just thinking about it. That even though he's angry right now, when push comes to shove, he will do anything in his power to protect his little any age. That when they get older, watching his little brother grow and do things, will make him so proud, his heart will feel like it's about to burst.

That maybe someday, when both are married, he'll look at Koji's spouse and think of her NOT as an "in-law" but as just another sibling. That any nephews (or nieces) who are born will be so much a part of his life and heart, it's hard to put a word to the feeling he will get when he sees them.

These are things Issei is going to have to learn...on his own...without any help from me. I can gently guide him to this way of thinking, but....this process is a natural one. I know.

This week, my mom, older of the brothers, his wife and 4 boys are visiting my youngest brother, his wife and 2 boys. We don't all get together very often.....maybe only once in a couple of years or so. I'm feeling a bit lonely now....knowing what it's like when everyone gets together and this time, I'm not a part of all that wonderful chaos. But....this summer, I'll see most of brother, with the 4 boys, lives in our hometown....and when we get together either on their patio or mom''s a time I treasure...every time.
I even treasure those times they made me angry...because, at least, we were together.
Debbie and her brothers, 1976.


Cheri said...

Did you read Jamie at choosing my own's Trader Joe's post? It happens. The important thing is that they WILL be best friends forever (and they will), not that they know it right now.

And I always wanted a Mrs. Beasley doll. Luuucccckkkkkyyyyy!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I love that picture. Sibling rivalry is a constant in our house-Danger Boy and Social Butterfly are 20 months apart and in 9th and 8th grades--can you say too close for comfort?

Karen MEG said...

It's happening here, despite the fact that they are almost 5 years apart; sigh... in fact, Lboy, my sweet, sweet boy who can rarely do any wrong actually said that he didn't like his little sister. At all. And when asked at least if he loved her, he was silent. Mute. That was yesterday, and today it didn't get any better as he whipped a sock in her face (well, she did tell him that his hair looked like he was wearing pig tails... to NOT talk to your older brother like that LOL! At least it wasn't a rock!).

You don't wanna know what torture I put my sister through ... but if you search far enough in the blog, you'll find it ;).

I'm hopeful that mine will get along someday, as well as I do with my siblings.

Cute, cute photo of you and your brothers, Debbie. What a great older sister you are!

Claudia said...

Sadly, speaking from personal experience, it's not always flowers and rainbows between siblings. I always wanted my sister to be my best friend. It didn't work. We never got along. I tried to be the big sister, she loved drugs more. She died last year. After 12 years of seeing her go to hell in a handbasket, I can honestly say she must finally be at peace now. And so am I. But I mourn the sister I never had. It's never easy. I wax philosophical to my babies every day about loving one another...and I hope they will find that love that I didn't have with my sibling, but I don't know, you never know, all you can do is pray.

Mary Alice said...

Hummm. Really most of the time they just find their way to that kind of relationship naturally, it all works out. But when they do have their moments of speaking out in frustration, just remind them that even in those times - we have to show respect for one another. It happens with the best of kids.

Anonymous said...

Aww, it is tough. I was the oldest with two brothers two. Unfortunately, we're not at that loving each other stage yet. They are still very immature (25 and 23) and made some VERY BAD choices in life. They are slowly coming around, but I still try to avoid them most of the time.

Anonymous said...

Hi Deb, Brothers becoming best friends, kinda missed it happening, just that one day there I sat seeing all 3 sons standing side by side being there foreach and being the BEST MEN of Austin. In 2 weeks I will witness this wonderful happening again. I have to admit I did tear up knowing that from that day forward there would be NOTHING come between these young men (not even Jeff), they share smiles and tears and have become the best of friends. From age 26-22 to 15 they will have each others backs. It will happen and you will probably miss it it...Hang in There

truebitch said...

Great photo! You ARE a natural blonde!

Sorry to say, I thought that way about my sister when we were kids and often forget her existence now. Sad, but true.