some thoughts on being a "soon to be screeching into the station" RAFer

*RAF.....rapidly approaching fifty*

(and yes, if you write the word for that number and not the actual number itself, 

it does seem a bit easier to take/handle/not throw up.
 the pink color and italics seem to help, too)

i have a birthday coming up.

i'm not really sure how i feel about it.

some days, i'm like "oh, yeah...whatever...it's all just a number..look at all my beautiful friends who have celebrated this birthday, and survived. they make it look so easy and wonderful....
meh!  it doesn't matter, really, for i know how old i really feel in my heart" 

(which is about 28, by the way)

yeah.....this is what it feels like.

and then...
there are days
when i'm like
"what?  are you freakin' kidding me??? i'm not that old!
 no. way. no. how."

yeah....it feels just like this.
and while i will be the first in line for most roller coasters....this feeling?
not good.
i know....silly, right?
~~sigh~~

i read other blog posts of people having this milestone birthday and they are all handling it quite well.
amazingly so.
one friend (who i adore immensely) has declared this her "jubilee year".
others are making lists of "things i wanna do, now that i'm fifty".
(just for the record, i have so many lists of "things i need to do today/this week/this year", that i don't really see this concept working so much for me. but, really, you go ahead.)

i downloaded a book or two, thinking that, as others before me have professed, i would find some kind of inspiration or maybe even a way to accept this passing of time.

that first one (which i actually read in university for a psychology class, but as with much from that time, i have completely forgotten) is a classic and the first on most every one's list of "good stuff to read"....and that second one?  seriously, if a book claims 'discovering the fountain of youth at midlife and beyond' as part of its title, it has to be good, right?

i wouldn't know.

about either one.
it seems that just purchasing these two works of literary genius and having them in my kindle actually made me feel better.
obviously....this is the way i roll into middle age.

and just for the record,
while i was in the states, i also bought a pair of these:

having it pointed out more than a couple times, thank you very much lila! by a good friend, that these really do help (whatever!), i folded and bought a pair.
but, i figured that if i was going to actually purchase a pair of "cheaters",
there would have to be some bling on them....
and none of that brown or black color...
yes, my friends, purple with "diamond" bling were for me.

and no.
i haven't actually used them yet, but
they are in my purse and i strangely feel better just having them there.

*********

fyi....i'm already thinking of a post for tomorrow...
"how i'm holding others responsible for both good and bad feelings about this birthday"
(^-^)  happy tuesday, everyone.